Jesus, Have Mercy on Me, A Sinner

A collection of things seen and considered by Jacque Pfaff.

Today the sun is shining, the sky is a deep blue, there is a lovely breeze and I am longing - so longing for everything. To talk, for freedom, for friends, to be alone.
And I do so long… to cry! I feel as if I am going to burst, and I know that it would get better with crying, but I can’t, I’m restless, I go from room to room, breathe through the crack of a closed window, feel my heart beating, as if it is saying, can’t you satisfy my longing at last?
I believe that it is spring within me. I feel that spring is awakening, I feel it in my whole body and soul. It is an effort to behave normally. I feel utterly confused. I don’t know what to read, what to write, what to do, I only know that I am longing.

—On February 12, 1944, thirteen year-old Anne Frank wrote these words in her now- famous diary: Anne Frank: The Diary of A Young Girl.

I vow to offer joy to one person in the morning/ And to relieve the grief of one person in the afternoon./ I vow to live simply and sanely,/ Content with a few possessions./ I vow to keep my body healthy. / I vow to let go of all worries and anxieties / In order to be light and free.

— Plum Village, A Verse from Plum Village’s, Thich Nhat Hanh’s Buddhist community in France, chanting book

These are some photos I took on the road today.

2011 Happened

Strangely enough it’s been over a year since I used this here blog. 

TRAVEL ELEGY

Everything’s mine but just on loan,
nothing for the memory to hold,
though mine as long as I look.

Memories come to mind like excavated statues
that have misplaced their heads.

From the town of Samokov, only rain
and more rain.

Paris from Louvre to fingernail
grows web-eyed by the moment.

Boulevard Saint-Martin: some stairs
leading into a fadeout.

Only a bridge and a half
from Leningrad of the bridges.

Poor Uppsala, reduced to a splinter
of its mighty cathedral.

Sofia’s hapless dancer,
a form without a face.

Then separately, his face without eyes;
separately again, eyes with no pupils,
and, finally, the pupils of a cat.

A Caucasian eagle soars
above a reproduction of a canyon,
the fool’s gold of the sun,
the phony stones.

Everything’s mine but just on loan,
nothing for the memory to hold,
though mine as long as I look.

Inexhaustible, unembraceable,
but particular to the smallest fiber,
grain of sand, drop of water -
landscapes.

I won’t retain one blade of grass
as it’s truly seen.

Salutation and farewell
in a single glance.

For surplus and absence alike,
a single motion of the neck.

—Wisława Szymborska

Inspiration is not the exclusive privilege of poets or artists generally. There is, has been, and will always be a certain group of people whom inspiration visits. It’s made up of all those who’ve consciously chosen their calling and do their job with love and imagination. It may include doctors, teachers, gardeners — and I could list a hundred more professions … A swarm of new questions emerges from every problem they solve. Whatever inspiration is, it’s born from a continuous “I don’t know.”

- Wislawa Szymborska, from her lecture upon winning the Nobel Prize for literature in 1996

O Holy Night!

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here came the wise men from Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger,
In all our trials born to be our friend!

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His Gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His Name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy Name!

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

I have something profound to say: I really like children. I think we all need them in our lives to some extent.

I have something profound to say: I really like children. I think we all need them in our lives to some extent.

The Pill Is Too Difficult To Swallow

This is what I found when I looked up the possible side effects I could experience from taking the ‘preventive’ Asthma medication, Advair: “Upper respiratory infections, headaches, and a sore throat are common side effects that have been reported with Advair. Side effects that are less common can include a runny nose, shakiness, and increased sweating. Although most people tolerate the medication well, it is possible to develop serious side effects of Advair that may require medical attention. Notify your healthcare provider immediately if you develop an irregular heart rhythm, breathing problems that are getting worse, or signs of an allergic reaction, among other serious side effects.”

As I continue to learn more about the human body and its anatomy and physiology I am constantly at odds with many common medical practices. Most medical treatment seems to suggest that in order to treat one particular system’s ailment I must foul up another system. I don’t understand that. A fair amount of medication seems to function in preventing the body from doing what it is designed to do so that it can better do something it wasn’t. For example a birth control pill functions in contraception while tricking the hypothalamus into thinking the body is pregnant. Making the brain think you’re pregnant for a 20 years or so has to have some kind of negative effect doesn’t it? But what alternative is there (besides the obvious other forms of contraception which women are obviously not choosing for a reason)? Many women lead busy and professional lives and don’t have time for a child. Others simply want to be free to live a life in pursuit of pleasure without the consequences (and no one wants those people to have children). Should women just stop taking birth control pills because it’s tricking some random structure in the brain they aren’t even sure they know how to pronounce? It’s probably not worth it…

I believe medication is amazing in many cases, even necessary. I understand that we live in a sinful and fallen world and that our bodies are subject to that reality and I think God has given us the opportunity and grace to take care of ourselves but what if we’re really just harming ourselves further?

I look forward to coming closer to figuring this out in the coming years.

(I’m not a M.D. or any sort of authority on the topic, I’m just a girl trying to figure things out.)

Sleeping has been an adventure lately.

I’ve been having a series of intense, spiritual dreams. They usually involve me being really obnoxious.  In two of them I remember yelling in tears at the top of my lungs, “Jesus is Lord, Jesus is Lord…” and I wouldn’t stop. In my most recent one I was yelling that in this Mayan looking temple where all these ‘religious/spiritual’ people were performing all these strange rituals. They were mostly trying to heal people and that’s why I was there. My mom made my brother and I go because she wanted to be healed.  Except I didn’t think the healing was being done in the name of Jesus.  I thought the people in the temple were witch doctors, so as soon as they started to pray for my mom I went nuts. Everyone just sort of looked at me and then a few said Amen rather nonchalantly, as if they didn’t care, but thought it’d be fun to say. Then it gets weirder! There was a man sitting in the corner who sort of looked like Kanye West and immediately upon looking at him I knew he was also a Christian. He had been following me to give me some sort of message which was wrapped in his scarf.  He threw his scarf to me and I started to read the message and then I woke up!

Besides this one I had a dream about my church splitting. I was kinda nuts in that one too. I had this obnoxious way about me that no one would acknowledge.

And the first one I had is sort of a recurring dream. It was set in India where I was running through the streets of a slum village with ‘the keys to the kingdom’ and I would not slow down and a lot of people were chasing me.